The Hydration Fetish

Another billion dollar scam

They first appeared in what used to be called a gym, now known as the fitness center or more prosaically as a health club - as if it were a place where one could hold back advancing decrepitude. In the old days, gyms were almost the sole province of men. The aim was neither fitness nor health but transforming from a weakling into a stud, thereby attracting a partner. It was a way to prepare for the ritual mating display on the beach or around the pool. But these places morphed into so-called health clubs or fitness centers, attracting the other half of sedentary humanity. It was they who arrived with the water bottles. And zumba and pilates and goodness knows what other strange sacraments.

Here is the thing you might have noticed. Women don’t perspire. Yet they clutch their water bottles like binkies, taking frequent swigs, warding off acute, fatal water deprivation. Men, on the other hand, leak from every pore, dripping with honest sweat. Big surprise - none of them ever drink anything or keel over from dehydration. Someone must have written something about water in a women’s magazine that went viral. How such things occur remains a mystery to me. One day, people are perfectly fine; the next day, they are in a near panic if not attached to a water bottle. Even better if it contains the essence of cranberry or a smidge of acai juice.

Years ago, someone opined that optimal health - whatever that may be - required a minimum of eight glasses of pure, unadulterated water a day. This has been debunked repeatedly, as has our other fetish of guzzling vitamins, but no one seems to have noticed. Concern that over-hydration was a burgeoning problem, especially in women athletes, spawned thoughtful articles in fitness magazines, but the trend was inexorable. Science be dammed. I would rather trust my best friend and some TV charlatan health-nut guru. And, of course, my massage therapist insists on five gallons of water to flush the body of ‘toxins’ after a particularly painful prodding and stretching.

We were constantly plied with water on a trip to the Amazon and Peru. Our hosts had learned that that was what the Yanks expected. On our current cruise, you cannot leave the ship without receiving a bottle of water at the gangplank. In the past, we Americans stood out from the locals by our clothing - ball caps, ugly shoes, Bermuda shorts, Capri pants, etc. But now the whole world dresses badly, so we need other clues. There are two sure-fire ways of identifying an American - abundant love handles and/or a generous paunch and a water bottle. It must be noted that the first is gender neutral, but the water fetish appears to be a particular feminine perversion - like cold cream, botox, mascara, and painted toenails.

To be fair, we do need fluids. Water can come in any number of guises, including our solid food, which is often largely water. Nothing is wrong with most of our beverages, especially beer, wine, or a well-aged single malt scotch. The concern that coffee or alcohol are diuretics is trivial, And as W.C. Fields pertinently noted, “I don’t drink water. Fish fuck in it.”

Most healthy people have an intact thirst mechanism to ensure that they get enough to drink. There are certain circumstances, such as cycling in the Tour de France or running a marathon, in which water loss is so rapid that frequent replacement is mandatory. But for a one-hour stroll in the park, the worst that could happen is that your pee becomes more amber-colored. You won't become cognitively impaired at work if you forget to take a sip from your smart bottle every fifteen minutes.

It turns out that water from the local reservoir is not good enough. It has to have undergone triple reverse osmosis and ozonation and be certified with an expiry date. Some are gently flavored with the essence of secret and exotic fruits and spices, all with magical healing properties. Aside from coconut water, the most potent is “Structured Water,” with its molecules perfectly aligned. One can get water with finely balanced pH levels, from soapy alkali to acid. The victims of this deception never learned that our bodies are exquisitely tuned to maintain a very constant pH. A bottle of mild alkali will not change it. Some water is even claimed to be smart, although how they became sentient is a propriety mystery. And to think that we call ourselves Homo sapiens.

Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time, a sweet, young, modern couple produced an exquisite child. She represented the perfection of human evolution. This baby grew and thrived. When she reached the age at which diapers were no longer appropriate, the parents were concerned that she seemed to be consistently wet and always thirsty - constantly demanding juice or water. Being typical concerned and protective parents, they rushed off to their pediatrician. He could find nothing wrong but dutifully performed some tests. ”Well,” he said, “your daughter does not have juvenile diabetes. However, one of the tests is slightly abnormal, so I am referring you to the endocrinology clinic at Mt.St.Mega Children's Medical Center. She could have diabetes insipidus, a disorder in which the pituitary gland is not making the hormone to conserve water or the kidneys are not able to respond to it. At the hospital clinic, the young endocrinologist drew scary diagrams on the whiteboard, mentioning words such as brain tumor. The grandfather asked, “Could it be that the parents are just giving her too much water? Like the excessive water drinking that is known to afflict teenage girls. “No, no,” assured the physician, “children this age only drink if they are thirsty. We have to admit her and do a very dangerous water deprivation test under careful observation and at great cost.”

And so it was. She was admitted and deprived of water. The mother helped collect her urine, and the lab technologists collected blood every hour for six hours. After the first hour, the mother noted her urine had turned yellow. It was the first time in this little girl's life that her pee had any color. The endocrinologist called the grandfather after about four hours. “Dr. Benjamin,” he said, “your granddaughter is absolutely fine. Her pituitary gland and kidneys work perfectly. I have spoken to your children about gradually taking away her water bottle. Sorry, we put you all through this.” A few weeks later, she was out of diapers, but they were still paying all the co-pays.

This tale embodies a number of messages;

• your children will never believe you

• your physician will never believe you

• your children will never take your medical advice (nor should they)

• everyone is more responsive to their peers, fads, and trends than facts, science, or common sense.

• screening laboratory tests are as bad as they have ever been. Nor will they improve until we understand biology and statistics rather than relying on hope and prayer.

The bottom line is that we eat too much and drink too much water as a nation. The first is dangerous, and the second is merely silly.